Irate Filipino

Changes

2009-06-10T13:42:00.000+08:00

I have moved onto my new domain:

http://iratefilipino.com

Stop by anc check me out.

Timeless Tattoo

2008-07-13T12:29:00.002+08:00

I hate to be one that bitches.... wait a minute if you know me at all I am one that bitches a lot.

I am a tattoo fan. My problem is that most tattoo shops have become so commercial that they have forgotten what tattooing is about. Tattooing is a about relationships and about art. You walk in most shops ans you will be told to look at the flash wall and make a pick of the many of the general pictures available. If you wanted something more original you are shit out of luck.

That all changed with my visit to Timeless Tattoos in Kansas City. I met a artist named Chris Ahlers and he asked me what I wanted my next tat to look like. I told him and with a pencil and paper he showed me what he could do. That is a lost art.

I am saying if you want a tat and you are in Kansas City then go to Timeless Tattoos.

Golf Shirt or Long Sleeve

2008-06-10T11:22:00.002+08:00

My boss saw me wearing a short sleeve golf shirt at work today and he came over to comment to me about it. He said he was glad to see me wearing a short sleeve shirt after months of long sleeve shirts. I thought this comment a bit odd so I asked him why. he said he was afraid I had gotten a bunch of sleeve tattoos and was hiding them in long sleeves. He was glad to see I had not made that move...yet.

I work in the world of banking. Tattoo's are a taboo and can be a career killer. In fact many people will call forearm tattoos "career killers". I told my boss not to worry, when I get that sleeve tattoo I will be smart enough to hide them from his boss.

What a sad world we live in.

Back in the Saddle Again

2008-06-06T10:43:00.002+08:00

I am back my people... I was lost for a moment in travel and work but I am back. I plan tgo be here more and write stupid stuff about notthing so get used to it.

Viva Las Vegas

2008-04-28T11:45:00.002+08:00

8:45am CST

I am in Vegas. I have been traveling all day. I am staying in an extended stay sweet with a kitchenette and I am in a room by the pool. It is 88F here and was sunny and dry when I arrived.

I know what you are are thinking: what a lucky son of a bitch!!! I say that all of you are way off base.

I am not a traveler anymore. I hate being at the airport. I hate being in an airplane. I added a new hate to my world today: I hate taxis. The room I am in is nice but being right by the pool means every teeny bopper in the worlds voice is carrying through my room. I hate sleeping in a strange bed. I hate time changes.

I will keep you all up to speed on my week long journey.

Stuck in cheese and wine country

2008-04-17T11:59:00.002+08:00

I am in Minnetonka, MN. I am on a business trip. I am in hell!

I am at a meeting with HR and with Business Ops. I am having to sit through hours of meetings that tend to drag on and are filled with opinions that seem so far off of real life that it sickens me. I am an operation guy. You do something and it causes a result and who gives a shit. They focus on the whys in life and I could give a shit about the whys.

God please help get me out of this situation.

Business Travel Sucks

2008-04-13T06:21:00.002+08:00

I am about to start three weeks of traveling for my current employer. While I know my trips are necessary to drive business, I still hate the fact that I have to go through the frustration of traveling. There does not seem to be a part of the process that goes smoothly and I seem to get upset from the beginning.

Assuming that you have a corporate travel provider, your travel frustration begins with packing. The first thing you have to think about is check your bags or not. If you check your bags you can pack more things in a bigger suitcase and can make more formal plans at your destination. Checking also requires standing in more lines and spending more time at the airport. You also run the risk of being that passenger who's bag never makes it to its destination. If you decide to go carry on only you run into the dilemma of packing just enough to get by and no that you will have to iron everything you have at the hotel and you cannot make any purchases or add to your contents since you have no room. I normally carry on but ten cannot pack gym clothes or go out to often when out of time since I do not have the clothes to spare.

The next frustration normally comes with packing. With new security at airports you can either pack tiny little travel bottles of everything you need or you have to buy items when you get to town. Either way is a frustrating decision to make and requires shopping. I prefer to buy my shampoo when I get there but it is not always possible.

Hotel and motels are always promoting how they want to make your trip comfortable. This is such bullshit. The pillows are always too stuffy or too slim. The sheets feel like they have been industrially washed thousand of times and are so rigid that they feel like cardboard. The comforters are so flat and lifeless that you have to turn the room heater on which causes the air to dry which causes my nose to bleed. Stupid comfort.

I could go on and on but just writing what I have has pissed me off and so I am done.

Stroud's is back in Kansas City!!

2008-04-13T06:09:00.002+08:00

Stroud's has opened its third location on Johnson Drive in Kansas City, Kansas. Stroud's is one of those restaurants that you will love or hate. For those that love it, I share your admiration and cannot wait until the next time I can get there. For those of you that hate it, shame on you for having no taste buds and for not knowing what brilliant food is. Stroud's is back and I love it.

Stroud's is famous for pan frying their food. Pan fried chicken. Pan fried chicken fried steak. Pan fried catfish. Along with your choice of protein you get family style mashed potatoes, green beans, and cinnamon rolls that you would kill for. You will walk away from your table wondering how you ate it all and how you are going to stay awake for the rest of the day. Everything taste home cooked and taste like it could make your heart stop. Even the gravy is loaded with grease and chicken parts and is a meal unto itself.

I envision Heaven to be like a Stroud's restaurant without the grey hairs sitting in the booths and without the wait at the door. If you haven't been to Stroud's in a while I would suggest you go today.

Getting Older and Fatter

2008-04-07T00:39:00.002+08:00

I used to love staying in shape. I would lift weights 4-5 days a week. I would run or ride a bike 2-3 days a week. I would play hockey, play volleyball, and play basketball. I used to look like I was in shape. That was then.

These days I seem to have headed down a different path. I am in my mid-30's and my metabolism seems to have slowed and my want and need to keep myself in shape seems to have slowed. I often sit and think to myself: eat better and get fit. I have had spurts where I have done that but they are always short lived. My motivation lacks once I get started and I tend to get busy at work and allow for any excuse to not go to the gym. I was 155 lbs just 5 years ago. I am 5'10" tall and I now way 205 lbs. 50 extra pounds has really shown up on my body. My friends joke that I look 7 months pregnant and while I laugh along with them I cannot stop looking at myself in the mirror and wondering when will it stop.

I write this trying to put more focus on this issue and I hope it will cause me to focus more on getting back into shape. Thanks for listening and I would be happy to hear any of your suggestions.

Television gets weak

2008-04-07T00:04:00.003+08:00

I love to watch BBC America and the IFC networks on satellite TV. BBC is a British network much like our Fox network in the states. The IFC is the Independent Film Network and they play nothing but movies. Both networks are produced and filmed in Europe and you can see the influences that come from these shows.
The BBC has three shows that have made their way to the states but the British should be livid about the translation. The first show is "The Office". The Office in Europe is much like the translation that has made its way stateside. It is about a small office and is a comedy. The European version is a bit more risky having more themes around sex and relationships. The Office in the states focuses more on satirical content and slap stick comedy. While I feel both are funny and I am a big fan of Steve Carell in the stateside version, I still find the European version to take more risks and find it much funnier.
The other BBC show making it stateside is "Gordan Ramsey's F Word". The F Word is a focus of bringing people who like to cook and put them in Ramsey's kitchen. The show has translated into "Hell's Kitchen" in the states. While most would say that Gordan Ramsey is an absolute prick on Hell's Kitchen he is nothing like he is on the F Word. On the F Word you will watch Ramsey break people down to children in the way they react and the way they show emotions. In the F Word he will make grown men cry and will insult everyone within the sound of his voice for the sake of teaching. Hell's Kitchen ends up being a watered down version that causes Ramsey to be nothing but a screaming lunatic. The F Word is about education and does give cooking lessons to its audience while Hell's Kitchen just makes noise.
The final BBC show that had a short stint stateside is "Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares". On the BBC, Gordon Ramsey would spend a week at a failing restaurant helping to get them back on a successful path. The restaurant owners on the BBC version would sign an affidavit agreeing to allow Gordan to make the changes necessary. The show would show Ramsey's passion for food butt heads with restaurant owners filled with lots of pride about their shops. Fireworks, blood, sweat, and tears would cause entertainment for its audiences. The stateside version of this show did not get the restaurant owners signed affidavits so did not have the impact. Ramsey would have to back off of arguments with owners even though he knew the owner was wrong. It basically became a show of nothing more than watching restaurants failing and that is not much fun.
The IFC show brilliant movies coming from a more European market. Movies like "Employee of the Month" starring Matt Dillon and movies like "Kinky Boots" show how versatile a movie can be. Both movies take on topics with risk and show how they are in our society already. IFC also has samurai Saturdays where they play old dubbed samurai movies and these are where some of the greatest movies of all time have been adapted into newer movies. "Seven Samurai" was adapted into "The Magnificent Seven", both great movies following the same format in two different historical time frames. "Samurai Sage" was adapted into the story of Cyrano de Bergerac and ended up being the blockbuster hit "Roxanne" starring Steve Martin and Darryl Hannah.
Surely you have seen in my writing that I have become disappointed in American TV. There does not seem to be an originality in what we do anymore. Shows like "ER" and "Law & Order" have been on for many years and continue to draw crowds but what other shows can that be said. Many shows may come and go for short stints but it seems we are running out of ideas. When we do lend to our European neighbors for influence we somehow lose the original concept and water down what could be funny or entertaining. I say it is time for TV to stop getting so weak.

Suicide rears Its ugly head

2008-03-31T08:34:00.003+08:00

I have been alive for 34 years and in that 34 years I have seen some of the ugly sides of life. One of the ugliest parts of life is suicide. Suicide is something I have dealt with personally and have dealt with among friends and acquaintances. Its constant reappearances often makes make wonder if it follows me. I know it will disturb some to see how my explanation of suicide gives its life, like is a being that follows me. Sorry reading audience but there are times I wonder.

My first run in with suicide is when I was 10 years old. I was a Little Leaguer that met lots of people and lots of families on the ball field. One summer I was walking home with some friends from the ball field and we went to our favorite hideaway to get high. Yes I know, 10 year old getting high. We were the latch key generation and did a lot of things our age group should not have been doing. After a good session with a new bag we just bought we started to get into some crazy conversations. To this day I believe the bag we had was laced because it was a new high for us and it was a very depressing high. A boy in the group named Troy started to talk about the abuses in his household and how he was tired of going home. He did not want to face another beating from his dad and was adamant he was running away. I was very understanding coming also from an abused home but did not really pay much attention to Troy. On our way home we always had to pass some train tracks. We passed that train track a thousand times but that day proved to be different. A train was coming as it had a thousand times before but Troy became fixated on not going home and decided the train was the way to do it. We all just thought he was talking about jumping on the train and riding away. None of us realized he meant killing himself until he threw himself in front of the train. There was little warning. He just leaped and his life was over. I remember sitting there at the siding of the train track crying with pieces of Troy all over me and the tracks.

My second run in with suicide came 3 years later when I was growing tired of the abuses of my home. I was a star athlete raising a retarded brother as my alcoholic father was out for days chasing women and doing what ever drunk lost souls did. I was tired of being the king of the small town I lived in but not getting any love or appreciation from my family. Plain and simple I got all high from acid and weed and I tried to hang myself. I went into my bedroom and found a clothes hanger. I took the wire hanger and wrapped it around my neck and created a section to hang somewhere. I grabbed a chair in my room and moved it towards my door. Within seconds I was hanging there losing consciousness. I would have died then and there but my brother Gary walked in on me and got me down. I cried for days and think about that day often. I am happy he got me down but I also regret it on days where everything seems to go wrong.

This last week a coworker cried out to several people and indicated they were going to kill themselves. While I kept my distance I was still watching how this move affected the others around me. I watched the crying and the concern. I was torn watching the tears and wished I could help but I did not want to be a part of it. The person was found prior to killing themselves and is not under medical care.

I just wanted to get this in writing to get it off my chest. I guess I have no real point but I feel better already.

Workplace Oasis

2008-03-22T09:19:00.002+08:00

I was standing in the middle of the cube farm I work in today listening. I stopped doing anything and just stood there and listened. I was amazed out how a room full of 40 people could make no noise. There were conversations going on that were filled with empty rhetoric but nothing to pay any attention. There were the very faint sounds of work being done as keyboards clicked and phones were being picked up and put down. There were the signs of humanity: coughing, sneezing, crying, and farting. What amazed me is that these were all things with so little substance and with such little importance that they truly did not seem to exist.
I stood there for about 15 minutes and found that I was saddened by the reality of the situation. It was then when I noticed the workplace oasis: coffee being brewed. It may seem odd but that sound brought me out of the corporate coma I was stuck in and reminded me that I could drink its goodness to get me through my day and at the end of the day I could go home to the sweet distraction of rush hour traffic and television.

Sleepless NIghts

2008-03-19T07:47:00.002+08:00

For the last 33 years I have been struggling with insomnia. Insomnia can transform your life into so many things; none of which seem to be helpful or useful. Insomnia can make you tired. I know that seems like an obvious statement but until you have felt tired for days or months or years and the feeling all of a sudden becomes normal. You may get a day or two of good rest but you are still tired. You may sleep for days but you still feel tired. Tired becomes a prison cell you can never escape from.

Insomnia can also change who you are from a physical sense. You face ages faster when it never truly gets the rest it needs. You eyes sag, your cheeks sag, and you face seems to take on a permanent frown. It is amazing to watch over the years as you slowly look like you are dying faster than most. No one likes to hear over and over again how tired they look.

Insomnia can make the most patient man in the world into a raging ball of anger. It can turn the most angry person into the world into the most timid beast in the forest. In essence, insomnia takes over your life and makes you who it wants you to be.

For those of you like me, I am sorry. You can medicate yourself, you can where masks, you can use sleep aids, you can drink specials teas, and you can find special routines. All of these lead you to living a life that is not your own. I know that I will not lose my battle with insomnia but I hate the fact that it will always be my nemesis.

How Demon Hunter changed music

2008-03-15T09:59:00.002+08:00

If you have been to my blog site then you know I am a huge fan of Christian metal band Demon Hunter. I used to spend my time listening to Pantera, Slipknot, and Red Hot Chili Pepper and then I came across DH. I have not stop listening to those other groups but I never introduced others to bands I like have DH. I share the CD's I own with everyone. I listen to DH at work and everywhere I go. How they hanged my life is a moved from just enjoying music for me into helping others find inner peace that comes from DH.

Thanks to Ryan, Don, Ethan, and Yogi from DH!!

Employee Relations

2008-03-15T09:07:00.002+08:00

I have learned a lot over the last two days. The knowledge I have gained is in the areas of human behavior and manager strategies. This knowledge was gained as my role as a manager for a finance company and how that role requires me to be on top of my game when it comes to employee relations.

The last two days have had me dealing with some of my associates and their inability to fulfill basic core dependability in their jobs. Both parties showed me things about the human character and how the human spirit will deny responsibility when put in a situation that can cause harm.

Subject A was not able to meet a core dependability and I was forced to ask a lot of quality questions. These questions were done in such a way as to give Subject A the opportunity to be accountable for their actions. Instead of taking the opportunity though, this individual turned to defensive posturing and emotional outbursts. I continued to give Subject A more room to be accountable and they ultimately just terminated themselves by their inability to face their own demons.

Subject B was another core dependability deficiency but this one was different. When confronted with the deficiency this person accepted fault yet did not feel their should be a consequences to their actions. Subject B's contention is that they should be able to fault more and that I should understand. When I asked why I should understand they said because they deserve more chances. When I asked how many chances thy said as many as it took to get it right. This person demonstrated the basic understanding of right and wrong but did not understand accountability.

Two subjects both with the same problem but both handling the problem in different ways. One now showing the understanding of right and wrong and the other not understanding accountability. Who of these two is right?

Demon Hunter Summer Tour

2008-03-09T07:43:00.003+08:00

Demon Hunter is preparing to get their summer tour kicked off after their successful release of the last album "Storm the Gates of Hell". Songs like Carry Me Home and Sixteen have made this another great album and continues to build to the Demon Hunter faithful.

Be sure to visit www.demonhunter.net to get more information on their upcoming tour. Their special guest is the Living Sacrifice. LS was a great 90's Christian rock band that has reunited for this tour. You won't want to miss this one.

Beer Games are Back

2008-03-09T07:26:00.003+08:00

If you are like me college is a distant memory and most of those great memories are covered with TPS reports or the day to day grind. We relive those old glory days by watching movies like "PC U" or "Old School" and wish we were back there. Since most of us cannot get out there in the big bar scene without yawning at 9pm and wondering if we are going to be late for work the next day I would like to introduce you to the come back of the century:

collegebeergames.com

While most of us will never get back to college and live like we did, we can gain back some of those lost days through gaming. Collegebeergames.com will show you how an old favorite Beer Pong is making a come back. Why not be the first on your block to get your Beer Pong table and be the cool guy on the street.

Winter Wonder What the F@ck!!

2007-12-16T04:51:00.000+08:00

December 15, 2007

Snow falls In Kansas City

It's December so it should be no surprise to anyone that it is snowing in Missouri. Being surprised by this fact would be like being surprised by the fact that Christmas is on December 25th.

I was driving home from wok today and found myself unable to go faster than 45 MPH on the highway. The speed had nothing to do with me a much as it had to do with the other drivers. You have the overly careful person driving 30 MPH and taking up several lanes and causing accidents. You have the drivers going 80 MPH and jumping all over the highway causing accidents. Last but not least, you have the driver trying to drive at a decent rate and trying to stay away from the road rage that comes with driving with the aforementioned individuals. Can you guess who I am.

Accidents were everywhere. The normal 30 minute trip took me 1.25 hours. I do not have the patience to be in my car for that long. If people would just learn to slow down a little and to learn how to counter steer driving in the snow would not be an issue.

Missing in Action

2007-12-09T04:13:00.000+08:00

Wow Oh Wow it has been a while since I have been around to Blog. Since August I have taken a promotion at my job, have been in and out of town, and have been a downloading fool loading up my MP3 players. I am back today after getting an email alert from Google about sausages reminding me to check out this website.

Well its December. The depressing Holiday Season is upon us and everyone is acting like manners and ethics are in the toilet. It snowed yesterday here in Kansas City and you would have thought the locals have never see snow before. It's December people, open your eyes.

Demon Hunter has released their newest album "Storm the Gates of Hell", check them out at www.stormthegatesofhell.com or www.demonhunter.net. I have listened to it about a thousand times and I love it more every time. They deserve the audience.

The Cleveland Brown's are currently in the Wild Card hunt in the NFL. This is the 1st time since late 80's that us Brown's fans have had something to cheer about. Derrick Anderson is in the top 5 quarterback in the league ranks and the Brown's offense is in the top 10 Teams in the league.

My kids are still getting bigger and life continues to get crazy. I guess that is a quick two month catch up. Talk at you later.

I hate O'Reilly's Auto Parts

2007-08-19T11:57:00.000+08:00

I drive a 1993 Ford Explorer. I bought it for $1800 a couple months ago. Everything has worked fine on it until the first week of August. I was on my way to the restroom at work when an associate of mine stated my trucks passenger side window had been broken in to. I went down to the parking garage and there it was, glass everywhere and my radio stolen along with about 30 CD's. I was pissed but thought that shit happens and moved on. That moved on stopped on August 8th when I went to start my truck and it just clicked at me. It wold appear that the starter was out of it. In the next two days I replaced the starter, starter cylinoid, and the battery cables. By Friday the 10th I was on the road again. On the road lasted till Monday.

Monday August 13th - I went to move my car so that Beinswiger Glass could replace my broken window and it would not start. The battery was barely turning over and would not keep a charge. My 1st thought, alternator went out. I took the battery out and took it to O'Reilly's for a test. They tested it and said everything was fine. 2 days go by before I can pay attention to my truck and Thursday August 16th I am working on it again. I tear out the alternator and assume it will need to be replaced. I run out of time and transportation on Thursday so must work on the problem on Friday. Here is where the hating begins.

Friday the 17th. I take the battery and alternator to O'Reilly's to get it tested. They say they can retest the battery and charge it for me but cannot test the alternator. I leave the battery there and head back to work. At work a co-worker challenges me to call Advance Auto Parts and see if they can test the alternator. They can and we go down to get it tested. The manager takes the alternator from me and 20 minutes later tells me there is nothing wrong with the alternator.

At this point I am at a loss. When a battery in a car will not hold its charge, either the battery is crap or the alternator is crap. There is nothing else I could think of other than a short in the line somewhere. I call O'Reilly's to check on the battery and they again tell me it is fine. I am screwed at this point. I start calling around to see if there was a shop nearby that I could get a diagnostic run (typically costs about $60). I am pissed off and running out of cash. The same co-worker that suggested Advance Auto early suggests we take my battery to Advanced to check it. Since I had it tested twice already I did not see the point but did not know what else to do.

We take the battery to advance and the manager from earlier gives me a print out showing my battery was crap. I buy a new one and walk out happy that nothing is working now with my car but a battery yet I am pissed off that I have been without a car all week because O'Reilly's gave me wrong information twice. I will NEVER go back there again. I tore parts out of my truck for no reason, I was catching rides for no reason, I was totally inconvenienced for no reason.

I hate O'Reilly's.

What do I want to be when I grow up

2007-08-19T11:38:00.000+08:00

I work in the finance industry and have since 1995. I currently hold the position of Collection Manager. My previous titles have been Loan Manager, Assistant Branch Manager, Branch Manager, Location Manager, District Manager, Regional Manager, and Site Manager. In a nut shell I have been leading people for a long time. Although I have worn many hats, I am not sure I have found the hat I am looking for.

In my current position of Collection Manager my tasks are: train and develop 14 associates, train and develop a Collection Officer Team, mentor 5 other Collection managers that are my peers, support the VP of collections, support the COO of the company. This seems like a lot and for the money I make it is. I recently completed a comp study for my position and I currently make 14% lower than industry standard. That equates to a nice chunk of change.

I have never been truly money motivated as I have always been concerned about doing a good job and supporting those around me. I enjoy doing a good job and enjoy watching whatever Team I am on excel. I will also be the first to say that people should be compensated for their work. I am not sure that I can say with a clean conscious that I am being treated equitably.

What caught my attention was a meeting I was in 30-days ago. The room had the COO, CFO, President of the company, and two VP's in it along with me, Collection Manager. The meeting was about the future of the company. It had strategy, it had explanations and discussion about behaviors, and ultimately was there to build a plan for the future. We were all betting our jobs on the performance of the company. I loved being in this meeting but my title and my pay grade does not fit in that room. This meeting has happened several times over the last couple weeks and each time gives me an odd feeling in my gut.

I want more for my career and for my life but I do not have the formal education for it. I am 33 years old and cannot afford to go back to school nor do I think I have the ability or time. I want to climb the ladder in corporate America and get more money in my pocket but watching me in a room full of white shirts lately makes me question that more and more. It makes me ask the question: What do I want to be when I grow up?

To sleep to not to sleep

2007-08-19T11:27:00.000+08:00

I have insomnia. I can sleep for small periods of time, a couple hours at a time, but nothing significant. My mind tends to just go and go and go when I lay there staring at the ceiling wishing for sleep. I go through my days in a mindless coma and have learned to conserve energy for when I need it most. This type of existence is no fun at all.

I have become very familiar with day time or night time TV since both contain nothing but trash to watch. I stare at the faces and the shows waiting for my eyes to close. I read, I listen to music, hell I have danced or run trying to get exhausted to the point of falling over. None of this ever gets me more than an hour or two. This type of existence is no fun at all.

I could not tell you the last time I had a dream. REM sleep comes after being out for a long period of time. I never reach that so my body does not get the rest it needs. My body aches and I get lots of headaches. I wake up thirsty because I am sweating from constant movement that comes from discomfort. This type of existence is no fun at all.

If you are one that shares in this type of nightmare, I would love to discuss the tips you might have to try to sleep.

Stolen Happiness

2007-08-13T07:16:00.000+08:00

It has happened again. I have desperately sought out something to give me a window to happiness. I created a plan to accomplish it. I dreamed about it. I watched it in my minds eye over and over again. Just as it was within reach it was taken from me. People outside of my control took action and have caused a rift in my being that burns down to my core. This new transformation has brought on a new level of anger to my life, a new level of hate.

I have had a rough couple of years. Most of the things that were important to me have been removed from my existence and I have been stripped down to my purest form. My hopes and dreams have all been shattered (see today's tattoo post for the symbolism). My career, my athletic ability, my health, my relationships, my dreams for future success: all stolen. I desperatly look for things to remind me why I need to continue this putrid existence. My son is 5 years old and loves video games. He has had a Nintendo Gamecube for a long time and was really outgrowing it. I told Laura that we should partner up and get him a PlayStation 2. There was an agreement made and all that waited was the money to come along. That money came and the time was right. I could not wait to see my son's face when he got to see his new toy. That smile and his normal reactions was something I desperately needed to get me out of a downward spiral. That hope for a glimpse of joy died one afternoon.

My son called me at work to tell me that his mom had bought him a PlayStation 2 and they were on the way to rent some games. My heart was crushed. My soul was set a blaze with a mad rage that has not been there for a long time. I wanted to be happy for my son but I could not. I wanted to partake in his new game but I cannot. Not being able to be a part of his new toy ruined any of the joy I needed from it. He will never know his dad had the idea and wanted to be there for him. He will never know how important that look on his face when he first saw it was going to be to me. He will never understand why his dad cannot play the PS2 with him. I despise the machine and it will take all the restraint I have not to destroy the thing.

I know this may sound odd to the normal audience. Why not just say oh well and play the game with him. My brain cannot do that. I attach myself to metaphors of what physical things are in a greater plain then just the flesh. The PS2 was once hope for me. Then that hope was stripped from me. Every time I see that PS2 I see God laughing at me. He just laughs and reminds me that I will never be happy. It is like he is trying to put a pistol in my hand and saying go ahead, stick it in your mouth. This has happened to me before so I know I am at a place where I cannot get past.

My writing was once a holy sanctuary for me, it is now nothing but shit because someone read it and soiled it. They questioned parts of it and made it about themselves instead of about the art. Motorcycles and hockey have been taken also. My career is never going to be what it should be. The PS2 was just another step in my ultimate demise. I refuse to let hope rear its ugly face again. It is such an evil tease, dancing before me and enticing me to tear down parts of my walls. What I never see is the fist it has behind its back, balled up and ready to strike when my defense falls.

I wish I could get past this but I cannot. My daughter is having a 4th Birthday party in the other room but I cannot join her because that damn PS2 is in the room. It angers me more then the love I have for my child. Hate is a consuming emotion where as love is a healing. The healing is quiet while anger is racking my brain. The loudest bee gets the honey and I am consumed by fire.

Happy 4th Birthday

2007-08-13T00:34:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRACE!!!

My little pretty princess turns 4 years old today.

Daddy loves you!!

Tattoos in the business world

2007-08-13T00:17:00.001+08:00

I love tattoos. I think they are a great form of expression for those willing to make a statement for the rest of their lives. I also love the small amount of pain and suffering on has to go through to "publish" their statement. The picture here is from http://www.tattoofinder.com/ which is one of my favorite tattoo websites.

I currently have one tattoo of a smoking skull on my right shoulder. I keep it well covered when I am at work as I am a manager for a finance company. I cover it because most corporate companies are lead by very conservative old men that do not like to see such non-conforming demonstrations (I once did a Tina Turner impression in full drag that damn near got me fired but that is a whole other story). I started to wear long sleeve shirts in this last year as I prepare to get more ink. I will play corporate guy by day but still need to feel the needle pumping ink into my arm in the future.

I have two concepts for tats that I want to get done. The 1st is a half sleeve on my left arm. I want to start with a couple grave stones with the words "Hopes" and "Dreams" on them. I then plan to work down my arm with all of the things that I have lost in my life: motorcycles, hockey career, publishing writing, etc. I know this may seem like an odd idea but I want to be able to show off my disappointments as a way to better deal with them.

My 2nd concept is a back shirt. It will basically have the angel of death and the angel of life on opposite shoulders staring down at a person trapped in the candle of life. The candle is burning down on the person and the two angelic beings are just waiting to see who ends up with them. I had this idea a long time ago but will need some serious cash and some seriously creative artists to get it done.

Are you a tat person? What re your ideas?

Writing Poetry

2007-08-12T11:11:00.000+08:00

As I am sure you have noticed, I like to write poetry. It has always been such a release for me over the years. I can just vomit out whatever is on my mind and feel some kind of momentary release. This stopped for me several years ago when someone that I trusted read some of my stories and such and started to ask me questions about them and making my writing about them. This has happened again to me again recently and I have again been in a huge writers blockage trying to get past this violation of trust.

I have tried to work through this issue by being a Judge Advocate for others. I read a lot of other's works and give them my advise. I think a great way to fix a writing problem is to surround yourself with others writing. You can check out lots of this writing and judge work on the Poem link on this blog site. Check it out.

Bar Faces

2007-08-12T10:57:00.000+08:00

It seems too often we are going through life wearing our masks. It seems to me that this becomes the most apparent at your local bar. I challenge you to join a conversation at a table full of people and see what I am talking about.

You have the life of the party person. They seem to have a story for every situation. They have experienced everything or knows someone that has. They tend to be a focal point in the group and will often be the loudest. Next you have the pretty girl trying to act like she is above reproach. They often sit drinking a Long Island Ice Tea and just kind of giggle at everything being said. They do not contribute much to the conversation as they seem above it all. Next you have the athlete who sits and watches sports and attempts to show his knowledge at every possible turn.

If you get to know these people outside of this scene you will find their stage personalities do not often match their real ones. None social people can turn socialite while loud personalities with little confidence will seek back and bed people watchers.

Don't believe me, try it out and let me know.

Ears without Hearing

2007-07-15T08:34:00.000+08:00

I continue to be amazed by you
An awe in how little you listen
You ask what can make it right
Yet my answer continue to be ignored

I tell you to leave me alone
It is peace in my day that I seek
Your words continue to cloud me
As your mouth refuses to not speak

You drown me daily in your emotion
You wear me down with your words
You ask for so much and give so little
The yoke I once lost you replace

I just want to sit in my happy place
A space all to my own to think
You refuse to let this happen though
Afraid solitude will provide me release

I am amazed by you daily
You still ask what you can do to improve
If you would just open your ears for hearing
You would gain knowledge and be able to do

Decelerate

2007-07-08T11:00:00.000+08:00

Welcome to the greatest show on earth
Apparently all that I do is important
Nothing is ever good enough
Nothing is ever wrong

I am a leader, a mentor, a friend
I am the enemy, the hated, the destroyer
When I enter a room all cower
Then all smiles are steered my way

I am completely amazed at how often it seems
That those around me turn to me for advice
The same that scorn me for my actions or my life
Continue to want to be what I am or what they see me to be

I am nothing, I am a waste of your time
I have lots of ideas and concepts that might help you
I carry far more regret and angst then most can handle
Wondering always why the lemmings seek me

I am neither yin nor yang, good or bad
Fluid in the way I present myself
I am a smiler, a crier, a singer, a loner
I can be all that you want me to be

The weight of the world loads down on me
Mostly because I am not strong enough to steer it away
I am bound to help those around me gain
While my life continues to go to waste.

Daddyology.wordpress.com

2007-07-08T10:57:00.000+08:00

Please visit my buddy's website dedicated to the absurd world of parenting from a man's point of view. It will make you laugh, it will make you cry, it will make you pee. Have fun.

Writer's Block

2007-07-08T10:35:00.000+08:00

I started this Blog site as a means to start writing again. I had been writing for well over 15 years and had been putting ink to paper pretty consistently. That all changed a little over 1 and 1/2 years ago. An incident happened that caused me to stop being able to write on a personal level and to put myself into the words. I do not see the point of writing if you are not part of what you are creating.

In times past I have hit small pockets where the writing stopped. I normally got past by doing one of two things: 1) drinking more or 2) just putting every waking thought I have to print. I have tried both of these and neither have gotten me to a point where I can pen anything worth a darn. Most of my rantings on this site were Step 2) of my writer's block plan. It is frustrating. I am not a person that deals in emotions. Most would say that I am a happy person because that is what I want them to think. Writing has always been my "Release" (see this poem on this blog site). Without the release I am having a harder and harder time dealing with myself and those around me.

I have decided that since I cannot write now I am going to drown myself in others writings. I have been reading everything I can get my hands on. Fiction, non-fiction, business, self help, biographies... you name it and I have been reading it. While I have rediscovered my love for reading, it has done nothing to help spark my writing. I have a couple books that I have written and have had some fan fare over (not published yet since a particular publishing house I was dealing with decided they loved my writing if I would change everything) and I have allot of ideas for more books. I want to get them out of my head but it just will not come out.

If you are out there and have had these frustrations please tell me what has helped you in the past. I need to make the voices stop.

Tear Away

2007-06-24T12:09:00.000+08:00

The hands seem to have a firm grip now
The feeling overwhelms my senses
It pulses through my veins
Making me more and more addicted to the pain

There seem to be more eyes upon me now
More than ever that I remember from the past
The hands tear away parts of me
Leaving me standing naked,alone,cold

I shudder at the thought of peace
A day without strife is not life
Although I let everyone down repeatedly
I refuse to stay face down on the ground

I want to overcome all obstacles
Road blocked over and over by those in my way
They all want to share their love with me
Yet they all keep shoving me away.

I Hate Old People

2007-06-09T11:40:00.000+08:00

I know that the title to this just sounds awful. I get the fact that most people that read this will be appalled. My problem here is two-fold: first I don't personally care what you think; second is that I really do hate old people.

I was at work on Thursday and happened to look out of the back window of my office building. The windows give us a view of the parking lot of a group of condos. Sitting against one of the walls of the parking lot is an older gentleman in a white shirt and black slacks. I stop and stare at him for a minute wondering what the hell he is doing. The temperature outside is pushing mid 80's and the white shirt he is wearing is one of those heavy cotton shirts that retirees often wear. The old man is just sitting there smiling. He is not moving, he just sits there and smiles. I am overwhelmed with a feeling of angst at this scene. I walk away from the window over and over again yet cannot seem to stray to far without seeing what the old man is doing.

2 hours go by and the old man still sits there with that smile, mocking me. I cannot stop thinking about him sitting there and so desperately I want him to leave. I bang on the glass but he does not budge. I yell at the top of my lungs through the double paned, tinted glass but he does not move. I try a Jedi mind trick but he does not move. It is like he knows I am there and is just smiling knowing he is getting me all worked up. By this time a crowd of my associates are watching me freak out and try to get me to relax. I express to them that I cannot relax until this old bastard leaves. They of course think I am crazy and walk away.

The old many finally gets up and walks away after 2 1/2 hours. By the time he leaves, I am so upset and frustrated that I cannot speak. My hatred for old people started years ago when I happened to walk in a Price Chopper the same day that a bus from John Knox village brought a group of grey hairs in. The whole store stunk of Ben-Gay, Old Spice, licorice, and sweat. It burnt my nose hairs to sit in there. All I wanted was bread and Coke and it took me almost an hour to get around. Ever since I have to question why the elderly are allowed out at all. Surely someone more able could go to the store for them.

My point here is nothing. This Ranting holds no true value expect to continue to show how shallow I am.

Parent of the Week

2007-04-29T11:14:00.000+08:00

I was sitting at my 5 year old son's soccer game this morning and watched an interesting incident. The game had not yet started and the kids were all on the field practicing. A couple of parents were sitting and waiting for the coaches to walk onto the field. As soon as the coaches were there the incident began.

The parents started to complain that their 5 year old son was not getting enough opportunity to play offense. I do not know if you have ever watched 5 year old kids play soccer, but there is little offense. The game is mostly played by 6 to 8 kids in a small rugby style scrum and the ball is lost somewhere in the pile. The coaches were stating that they give every kid equal playing time and equal opportunity. From what I have seen in two years of soccer, I was already siding with the coaches. I watch as this conversation goes on for about 5 minutes.

5 minutes in, the father of the son who is not getting enough play time makes the statement that his son will kick the shit out of the coaches son in football in the fall. How ignorant is this statement. Parent's using their kids to calm their own shortcomings in the world of sports and more importantly in the world of adult conversation. The coach did not take this comment well yet stayed somewhat calm and suggested the parent's take their child and go play for another team. If that dad made a comment like that to me I am afraid I have no patience and I would have kicked his teeth in. Great job coach for staying strong. Needless to say, the parents stormed off with child in tow, the child crying the whole way out wondering what he did wrong to not be able to play soccer today. I felt bad for this poor kid and the years of counselling he will have to go through because his parent's could not grasp the simple concept of a game.

I assumed it was all over at this point until another parent walked over and attempted to scold the coach for getting into this altercation with the other parent in front of the kids. What this newly involved parent ceased to notice was that the kids were all on the field playing and could care less what us parents were doing. The coach attempted to justify the fact that he would not allow another parent to make comments about his kid and then went on to talk about his coaching style. I again agree with the fact that I thought the coach handled the entire thing very well.

I watch these parents that seem to lose their minds at their kids sporting events. It makes me wonder if these parents ever actually played sports. There are enough pressures without having you idiot parents adding to it. My dad was my little league coach for 1 year when I was 8 years old. That year nearly caused me to never play the game again. He was impossible. His problem was that he played sports as a kid but sucked. He did not want me to suck so he pushed me to do more than I was capable of. Thankfully he learned this early and backed off. I wish that more parents could learn from my old man in that aspect.

Kansas City Corporate Challenge

2007-04-28T14:05:00.000+08:00

Welcome to May and June in Kansas City. The local businesses turn into breeding grounds for out of shape weekend warriors to strut their stuff in their respective sports. It is this time of years that divorce rates rise as men and women decide to run track instead of going home and being with their family. It is this time of year that friendships are ruined over who is going to be the 2 guard on the KCCC Team. Why not just do what most self respecting out of shape bastard does at this time: get yourself a Subway sandwich, a case of beer, and a Playstation 2.

Transportation

2007-04-28T13:26:00.000+08:00

In the last 8 years I have owned 5 vehicles. 88 Honda Accord, 88 Ford Taurus, 96 Dodge Dakota, 90 Honda Accord, and 87 Ford Ranger. I rarely spent more than $1000 on these cars. They all gave me heartache due to breakdowns and other mechanical issues. I get pissed off and spend lots of money and I blame the auto industry and the crap cars they put on the road. I am currently without a vehicle due to may financial pitfalls so have had lots of extra time to think about this situation.

The reality is, it is not the auto industries fault. I currently live in Kansas City, Missouri. This town has the worst public transportation system I have ever seen. The city is so spread out that it appears government officials have just said screw it when thinking about transportation. I would have to catch 4 buses to get to work daily and could only work from 8am to 4pm daily to stay on the bus schedule. It is all but useless. I hate Kansas City.

I have lived in Cleveland Ohio, Pittsburgh PA, Raleigh NC, Chicago IL, Frankfurt GE, etc and have never seen public transportation as bad as KC. All of the other cities had great bus lines running 24/7. Some had light rails or trolleys, some had subways or train cars to get you around. You did not have to own a car to get anywhere. You did not have to pollute the planet with transportation toxins. In most other cities I have lived in outside KC, I could get around with ease. In KC, if you have no car you are screwed.

I start my car shopping tomorrow with great reluctance. I would prefer to go without a car but I realize society in KC does not allow for it. If I want to survive I need to drive. What a crock that our lives are so dependent on machines.

Hockey Playoffs vs Satelite TV

2007-04-15T22:03:00.000+08:00

So I am running around with the kids all day meeting deadlines and getting all of their Saturday dreams come true. I do this because I know later that night I am going to sit down and watch the Buffalo Sabres take on the New York Islanders for the 1st round of the Stanley Cup playoffs. I know that the games have been advertised all week on both TV and radio to be on the Versus network. I know that Versus is on regular cable because I have watched it at work several times. Watching hockey playoffs is all I have thought about all week.

I get home. I get my snacks ready. I get the kids situated. I sit down on the couch. I am ready. My problem: Direct TV does not carry Versus. You can watch playoff hockey for a nominal $100 fee if you subscribe to that package deal. The rest of the world gets hockey on regular cable, I have to buy it for more. Part of the problem is location of the house. The Big Yellow house sits in a rural setting so normal cable sucks. Direct TV seemed the only option. Now that I have again been stopped of doing one of the things I love to do, I hate Direct TV. I ended up listening to the game on the Internet. What a crock!

Why men will never truly rule the world...

2007-04-15T00:50:00.000+08:00

So it is 1:30am cst and I am just getting home from work. It is sleeting, cold as hell, and apparently I have lost my keys. I knock and knock trying to wake the other inhabitants of the household but apparently they are all in a coma and I am stuck. I would love to raise a greater ruckus but I realize that lots of noise equates to neighbors waking which makes the cops come and I hate cops so that was not an option. I then start to walk around the house checking doors to see if they are all locked. They are of course locked and I am getting cold. I then moved to all of the windows and checked for them being locked. They are so I am stuck there also.

What to do, what to do. I realize at this point that if I truly wanted to get into the house I could. It would mean something breaks and I possibly get shot by Laura as she thinks she is getting robbed. I then start to think it is cold, but I could just climb up onto the patio, curl up into a ball and sleep. Now I realize hypothermia is not a good thing and somehow it did not go through my head as the 4F wind blows through me. I also think I could just walk the 1/4 mile to the payphone and call the house and ask someone to open the door. I seemingly cannot make a decision on what will work.

I realize none of the solutions are smart by any means so I just sit there and lightly knock on the door. 1 hour goes by and I continue to rap on the door over and over hoping for some results. 30 more minutes and I am back to idea of breaking and entering yet no action is taken. What in the hell is wrong with me?

I guess what I am saying is this problem could have been solved easily but wasn't. How could I ever be expected to make important decisions for anyone when I cannot make this easy decision?

Background Checks

2007-04-07T09:30:00.000+08:00

I have been working for the same company for the last 5 years. Out of the blue, the company is bought up by another company. The new company sweeps in and decides that everyone that wants to stay employed must pass background checks, OFAC (Terrorist Checks), drug screening, and ACR Credit Checks. This has royally pissed me off. I am cool with the background check. My little stint in jail for assault was a long time ago and should not be a factor. The OFAC (or the O-Fuck as I like to call it) also does not bother me. If you are likely to blow the building I am in up, I am okay with the company saying you have to go. The drug test will be a no brain er as long as they do not check for Crown Royal or Bud Light. What pisses me off is the ACR Credit Check. I have a proven track record for 5 years so who cares what my credit looks like. I have never stolen anything from the place and as far as I am concerned: I am salary so they have stolen from me.

I write this as a release since there is few that will understand why I am pissed off. If you think I am in the wrong here feel free to let me know.

Reasons not to cut your kids hair

2007-04-01T07:42:00.000+08:00

I came home this weekend and learned that my wife Laura had cut my 5 year old son's hair. Now when I say cut his hair, I mean made him look like a white rapper from the 80's or possibly that kid we all knew growing up that had the "bowl cut". He is bald until about mid way up his head, then there is hair in a circlular fashion. It is embarrasing.

There are two problems here. The 1st is that at 5 years old, my son think he looks cool. The 2nd is that my wife thinks she did a good job. I am not a barber nor do I play one on tv but this is ridiculous. I try not to laugh as I walk by my son but cannot seem to help it. I look forward to counseling when he is older and he explains that he refuses to wear clothes because of my ridicule.

I plan to watch it grow back and try my best to not give him a complex. If you think there is a better way I welcome the comments.

Music - Turn it up

2007-03-25T11:25:00.000+08:00

I had a really interesting yet pointless conversation with my wife this weekend about music. I listen to heavy metal. I love Demon Hunter, Pantera, and Slipknot. The music is fast, hard, loud, emotional, and satisfying. She listens to Christian pop and more radio R&B. I am sure you can tell from the differences that there is no middle ground for the two of us.

The conversation occured because she did not like my 3 kids to hear the music I listen to. She feels because it sounds so hard that it is a bad thing for the kids. Apparently at 11, 5 and 4 they are at that age where environment helps mold their personalities. She feels listening to "angry" music will make them angry. I of course disagree. I think there is nothing wrong with kids getting to hear music that lyrically speaks of the world we live in and emotionally puts it all out there. Demon Hunter has songs that I can listen to over and over because they cause me to reflect on my life. I also listen to them because they are a great releases from the pressures of the day.

She refuses to let me watch MTV's Headbanger's Ball or listen to my music when the kids are around. Nights like tonight piss me off because the Ball is playing some of my favorite tunes and I cannot watch them. I know what you are thinking, just turn the TV on. You apparently have never been on the other end of one of her emotional roller coaster rides. She will talk and judge and talk and judge until you want to bash your own head in with a hammer.

Tear down the Churches

2007-03-25T01:55:00.000+08:00

Wow. It has been a long time since I have been on this website. I have been busy playing corporate grab ass and being part of this committee and that think tank. What a mind numbing experience. I am glad to finally sit down and be able to let something other than corporate buzz words actually permeate my brain.

I got into a conversation about a week ago about why I don't go to church. I consider myself a spiritual person and I am very familiar with the bible and doctrine. I have not gone to a formal church in quite some time because I think that the majority of the people there are faking it. Church has become far more of a "If it feels good then do it" kind of place and it makes me sick. If you read in the book of Revelations, you will read that someday the entire planet Earth is going to burn when Jesus returns. It paints it in real color and is very graphic as to how all of the lost souls are going to died if not saved by accepting Jesus into their lives. How does that message get lost with the God is your buddy message.

I am also confused by those "leading" the flock. Leaders that are more than willing to hand out the bread but seemingly unwilling to teach others how to bake the bread. Feeding someone is great conversation starter but the true conversation comes after the person has a full belly and is relaxed. How can I follow those that cook but seemingly are not sure how to read the cookbook?

My conversation the other day ended with the person I was speaking to telling "to do something about all my complaints." I am doing that everyday. I am leading a life that many pay attention to. They do not do this because I am a Christian, rather they do because I am real. I talk, laugh, and get angry like everyone else yet I deal with negative better. I understand that there is no true negative in the flesh. The only negative would be turning from God and his son. Nothing that happens in the flesh will remain after Jesus returns. With that being true, what is there to stress over?

Road Trip

2007-02-17T17:23:00.000+08:00

I am leaving the cold desolate wastelands of Kansas City and heading for Las Vegas. My company has decided to once again inconvenience me with traveling and training another new manager in the ways of the force. While I do not necessarily mind traveling, Vegas is one of my least favorite trips. Sin City may be fun for lots of people, but not for me.

Those I have told about my trip have had mixed reactions. Most thought I was so lucky and asked if I was going to gamble. To most of these I have responded I do not feel lucky and that I refuse to gamble because I work way to hard for my money. Instead of putting my money in a machine hoping for a return, I prefer to hand my money to a bartender where I know my rate of return. Most people laugh at this so I am not sure they know I am serious.

My 5 year old son cried when he heard the news. He did not want me to go. He does not understand where I am going but he knows it is not good. Kids are amazing in their ability to pick up on evils. Vegas is evil. Prostitutes, alcoholics, gamblers, salesmen... all of the world's slime balls partying in one place. I hate them all.

I wish all that may visit my site well. I will return in a week or so and continue to rant and rave over nothing. Until then.

Welcome

2007-02-11T23:16:00.000+08:00

I feel the pulsing in my ears
A fast monotonous beat
I begin to realize my fears
See Death there ready to greet.

My breath becomes hard to come by
I gasp just enough to go on
All the while my heartbeat multiply
Death claims I have just till dawn.

I struggle to keep all my wits
The pain ever growing strong
My body gets weak and throws fits
I watch Death tell the lights begone.

I begin to hope it all to end
Needing anything to stop my plight
And as the lights begin to descend
Death bids me a final goodnight.

Void

2007-02-11T23:02:00.000+08:00

There is a time and place for everything
I laugh every time I hear this
As I walk in my meaningless existence
A stranger to both time and place

I do not belong with you
There is nothing there creating a bond
Commitment is all that binds us
Since happiness has long passed
Why do you hold so near me?
Is it protection I have displayed
I know I have enabled your greed
Also stealing myself leaving only emptiness
A single lonely type of fate
My mind fights the anger daily
Blaming you, blaming me, blaming all
No blame in the world though frees me
I remain a pillar standing strong
While the world I know crumbles
Leaving but a void in my space

Reunion Tour

2007-02-10T22:17:00.000+08:00

It seems like this is going to be a good year for bands reuniting and touring. Van Halen and The Police have started the year 2007 out with a bang. For those of us old enough to remember vinyl albums, these two bands were huge influences in my life. I remember buying the 1984 album and listening to it over and over until David Lee Roth started to sound like Dave from Throwndown due to the grooves getting so worn. The Police song "Roxanne" was a favorite sing along while I toured Germany in 1992. If anyone on the buses started to sing it, everyone sang it.

If you are like me, you hate to see your childhood idols get old and fade away. You also know you cannot turn your head from watching these reunions either. I will probably pay $1000's of dollars to see both of these tours this year. Even though I know DLR has lost some of his steps and Sting is no spring chicken, I know I will want to see them play one last time. For those of you teetering on action, let your expectations and inhibitions go and just go see them play one last time.

What's Wrong

2007-02-04T22:43:00.000+08:00

Can there be a worse open ended question in the entire history of the language? I hate these words more than most. They are a lead in for disaster. They do not really ask a question. They make an insinuation, they make a statement, they lead towards a fight. If you really want to know "what's wrong" then you must find a better way to ask it that is more specific to what you want to know.
How often have we asked "what's wrong" without ever truly caring about the answer? We then have to sit there and listen to pointless babbling making sure to nod and give the polite uh-huh's whenever we think they are necessary. Why do we use such pointless words when we know what we want to ask.
Why does your face look like that? Are you sick? Did I piss you off? These are the questions we should be asking if we really want to know something. I truly wish people would get their heads out of their butts and ask what is on their mind. Grow a set of nuts and just ask the question.

My Wish

2007-02-04T22:35:00.000+08:00

Perfect circles reflect at me
I am trapped in their gaze
Do they see me? Can they see me?
Are they different then the rest?

I run from their glare, moving, hiding
They cannot be let to know
The light must remain hidden
My soul may not be let go

How quickly they move
What perfection in grace and guile
Their movement mocks me
I remain in constant denial

The circles surround my being
Look right into my heart
The first to ever get there
The first I let start

They free me from the abyss
Show me beauty still exists
I am drawn into their gaze
Knowing they will grant my wish.

Final Blow

2007-02-04T22:21:00.000+08:00

I can hear its breath in the darkness
My eyes strain to see its face
It moves not now as I search
Aware of my glances

I start to run but know not why
My fate seems already in place
I am rational that my feet
Will never grant me escape

It pounces like the strong panther
Quick and effortless in its grace
I succumb to its power
Thankful for its need for me

Its sick how much I like it
The teeth and claws tear at me
And yet I stay in one place
Anticipating the final blow

I beg for one last glance
Of whats left of my soul
There is but a shred left of me
Good that the end is now.

Silhouette

2007-02-04T01:27:00.000+08:00

A light gleams dimly in the night
It creeps through the doorway
I am forced to peer sharply
To try to catch a single glimpse

The silhouette is that beauty
The curves seem to sing to me
The muscle and movement fluid
As that vision stands before

She is there but a moment
Yet it is etched in my memory
She leaves but my mind remains
I imagine her all the same

Her beauty transcends my thoughts
Her presence gives me such peace
The shadow is gone in an instant
My imagination keeps her though in vain

My brain tells me she is gone
But the heart stays strong
That momentary vision of pleasure
I will never ever be the same.

He

2007-02-04T01:20:00.000+08:00

What is left but to laugh
Sorrow amuses He
pain makes He smile
Loss causes He to win

I sit with empty hands,
Vacant heart and
Hollow soul but
A smile cracks my lips

He has won, taken me
Stolen my possessions
Scooped up my joy
Belittled my hope

Nevertheless I grin
Knowing that with defeat
I can still be victor if
He cannot revel in my pity.

Release

2007-02-04T01:13:00.000+08:00

A noise from below awakens me
I gaze downward, a smile on my lips
A warmth grazes over me, covering
Much like a warm blanket on my shoulders

My view is mysterious, a new world
As I stare at my demise, pain secondary
All those bloody emotions vanquish
I feel myself become free

A pool forms around me, a sea of tranquility
A reflection pool of sorts of my misery
With every drop its grows
Taking with it my tragedy

I am drained of all holding me back
My living shackles cut free
My mind soars like a bird
My soul just as carefree

My last glimpses seem so unreal
The blade almost not there
Faintness reminds me I am there
Alone, Single, Just me

Demon Hunter in Revolver

2007-02-03T21:59:00.000+08:00

Demon Hunter has made the cover of Revolver Magazine along with other Christian Metal bands As I Lay Dying, Underoath, and Norma Jean. The article inside is a bit disappointing from a Christian perspective but this is huge for the entire Christian world. Secular rockers from around the world will be introduced to DH. I cannot get enough of these guys.
Please check out the February 2007 edition of Revolver and read about DH.

http://www.revolvermag.com/

Pain

2007-02-03T21:23:00.000+08:00

There is an old adage that states "Pain reminds you that you ain't dead yet". If you really think about this I think you will agree. How many times a day do you feel a little pull, a little tug, a little twang, a little pain somewhere in your body? From the day we are born on we are dying. Our bodies are growing and more importantly aging. The paid is an affect of that.
I have had a migraine for almost 3 weeks. The migraine has slowly dropped into my neck and upper back. I am to the point that I can barely move my neck. This should not be happening to a 33 year old man. With every day goes by and the pain intensifies my jokes about having a tumor worsen to help lighten the pain in my mind.
I sit here early on a Saturday morning wondering when the pain will stop. I mean the physical pain we feel everyday, not the ultimate stop of pain that is death. Everyone tells me to go to the doctors. I laugh at that because I find doctors such a joke. They are supposed to be Subject Matter Experts (SME's) in a science that is nothing more than blind luck. I spent the better part of 1988 to 1995 in and out of doctors trying to get chest pain I was having to stop. I saw every SME in the marketplace I was in and every one of them had a different answer: Musco-Skelatal Syndrome, Mitral Valvle Prolapse, Fibro Mialga, Lupus, Modified Epilepsy, and my favorite answer "There is nothing wrong with you". 13 Spontaneous Pneumos and 1 heart attack later: all of the SME's can kiss my ass.
My plan is to sit here and watch the pain come and go as it often has done in the past. I am not one that fakes being sick for attention. I have 3 kids and a very hectic job and therefore do not have the time to be crying wolf. I plan to just watch the wonder of the human body and brain slowly lead me to my death.

The State of Hockey

2007-01-29T07:33:00.000+08:00

I am a die hard hockey fan. I say that even though you will seldom see me watching hockey and I rarely talk about hockey. The players strike in 2004 made me hate the prima-donna's that played the game. The new rules instituted into the year 2005 season made me think the sport became more of an ice capades then a sport. I find the game hard to swallow.

I enjoy a fast paced exciting game as well as anyone. Hockey in the past was a game of strategy and size. The big teams would wipe out the smaller with blood and strength. The true players that were scoring the goals knew every time they went anywhere near the net that they would get hit: they went anyway and proved what they were made of. Goons were on each and every team. They were the enforcers. If another team took a cheap shot at you, he would make them pat with his fists. Those were the good old days.

Hockey now is a game of smaller, faster players. Defensive players are not allowed to blink at an offensive player without a penalty being called. Fighting is getting slowed weaned away leaving nothing but flashy speed players. I do not glorify violence but the fights were meant to be part of hockey. They were not street brawlers, they were gladiators protecting their team. They fought to shift the attitude and the pace of the game. They fought to get the crowd in the game. They fought with passion and respect. Those days are gone.

I pay homage to the great fighters of the past:

Rob Ray
Tie Domi
Mike Probert

Demon Hunter

2007-01-29T02:22:00.000+08:00

I am sure that this will shock anyone that might read this but I am a follower of Christ. Yes I am a sinner: I drink, I cuss, I do not seem to do the right thing; none of that changes that I was saved a couple years ago.

One of the best discoveries in my walk is the band Demon Hunter. They are a heavy metal Christian band. They rock hard, fast, and furious and do so without the standard vulgarity of the metal movement. They liken themselves to Pantera and Prong and I would agree. They carry a message that any true metal fan can appreciate. I have turned many of my secular friends onto their music and hope that you would check them out. They are a small band trying to make it big and deserve your attention.

demonhunter.net

Politics Got you Seeing Stars

2007-01-29T02:08:00.000+08:00

I am not much on polictics. I think it is because no one can truly lead to make veryone happy and therefore is a failure. 80/20 rules that count in most jobs, means nothing for political leaders. Again, I do not really follow this kind of stuff but wantgs to let everyone that visits know that Thoushallnotsuck.com is a great forum for political dicussion. Visit it today.

Self Help Yourself

2007-01-29T01:32:00.000+08:00

I have had a very rough couple of years. I separated from my wife, I did not get a promotion I was working my ass off for, my oldest daughter has become an introvert. I know that does not sound too bad but this all happened while I hit a new low in the depression meter and lost both my faith and my will to live.

I know what you are thinking: Want some cheese with that wine? Can you hear the worlds smallest violin playing? Did you right this with your purse?

This posting is not meant to be all about my rants. My problem is all of the people that brought me solutions for my problems using self help books. If I hear one more time about what "everyone" else is doing I am going to snap on them and show them what it feels like to go 5 minutes in an octagon with a cage fighter. If I hear one more time that what I am feeling is "normal" I am going to pretend that their heads are nothing more than a speed bag needing an hour long workout.

I could give two squirts what some self help guru thinks about my problems. I could care less what some mom in Wisconsin thought about killing her kids then found God and is now happy. I could care less about the attitude adjustments, the words of wisdom and inspiration, the pictures of smiling faces. When I am pissed off, I want to stay pissed off. When I want to drink myself to bed, I will do so and could care less what you think about it.

This goes out to the next person that wants to bring me a self help book to help make me feel better: Turn said book sideways, grab you socks with hand not containing book, then shove book up your keister.

Starting Over

2007-01-29T01:13:00.000+08:00

I had deleted my previous blog and decided to start over. I had lots of rants on the previous blog but really did not express what I was thinking without allowing societal pressures to cloud my opinion. This time, nothing will stop me.